I try my best to not be judgemental and others may swear they are not judging you. They, like me, will most definitely judge you. This is because it is impossible to remain ambivalent and not form any opinions while driving next to someone in a one and a half ton killing machine at seventy miles an hour while they are on a smartphone posting about the color of their newborn’s poop this morning to Facebook for an audience who could not care less.

You are being judged. This is why people flip you the bird, try and run you off the road, honk and yell at you, and more. If you do any of these listed… you are a terrible driver.

 

Here are some other reasons why you suck at driving:

 

  • You leave a large gap from the car in front of you at the traffic light.
    Remember there are people behind you. Some may only need a few extra inches to squeeze into the left turn lane. Having a gap is good, but not an entire car length. For some crazy reason, you also tend to creep during the duration to fill that gap.

  • You “creep” at red lights.
    Most people stop at a light and stay there until it is green. What is the purpose of creeping? Is it to show that you are ready to go? Obviously it isn’t; most people who creep are the last to move when the light turns green. Red=Stop. Green=Go. Stop being annoying.

  • You stop at a light, but miss the traffic sensor.
    Have you ever wondered why, when you are first in line at the traffic light, it takes so long for it to turn green? It is a traffic actuated light. It senses your car. When you straddle the crosswalk (and you are breaking the law doing so) you are not even close to the sensor. It doesn’t even know you are there.
    Look for the rectangles in front of the white line or crosswalk. They are big. Halfway intelligent people can’t miss them.

  • You drive in the wrong freeway lane.
    “Slower Traffic Keep Right” and “Keep Right Except to Pass” must be difficult concepts to grasp. Here is a tip: Cars on your left (the steering wheel side of your car) should be passing you and cars on your right (glove box side) are slower than you.
    If someone needs to pass you on the right (glove box side) you are in the wrong lane.

  • Texting at a stop light is no better than texting while driving.
    Those people honking at you have watched the light turn green and typical reaction time has long since passed. There is no such thing as an important text while you are in the drivers seat.

  • You cannot merge on the freeway.
    Look how fast the other cars are going. Match their speed. Signal your intent to merge. Merge. Simple! You somehow managed to read the written part of the driving test. It was in simple-to-comprehend crayon words. They are not hard to understand.

  • You cross to the far left lane immediately upon entering the freeway.
    There is no reasonable explanation why you must instantly change three lanes when you haven’t even gotten up to the minimum highway speed. It is not mandatory to make your way to the number one lane as soon as possible. You need not remain there until you reach your exit either...

  • You stay in the far left lane until you reach your exit.
    You may not have noticed, but in the United States they conveniently placed large green signs above or to the side of the freeway to notify you of which exits are next. They have even gone as far as including distances! Someone went through all the trouble of measuring- don’t let their time be in vain. If your exit is close be sure to be in the exit lane. In some cases, the exit lane is denoted in yellow on the sign!
    You have- dangerously at times- crossed over four lanes to make the exit at rush hour. Most likely you have done this route before. They did not move the roads since last Monday!

  • You stay in the wrong lane until it is time to turn.
    This is very much like the above, but not just on a freeway! I have seen you do it near subdivisions so you are near your home.
    What happened? Did you forget where you live?

  • You do not use your mirrors.
    Mirrors are those reflective things on your doors and your windshield. I know you are not familiar with their use because in your rearview mirror I see your chest or your passenger seat or something other than your eyes.

  • You stay in the fast lane without watching your mirror.
    You are cruising along at a safe speed and you are maintaining a speed that justifies your being in the passing lane. Yet you have not noticed there is another vehicle fast approaching your rear. Yes, believe it or not, when you are driving there actually are other cars behind you. The mirror on your windshield is not a portal to another dimension. Those cars are behind you. Move over. If you time it correctly you would not have to alter your speed at all.

  • You cannot judge your own speed.
    You closely follow a car for no apparent reason. You will go well over the speed limit until you approach a car ahead of you. Then you slow down to pace them- even when there are no other cars nearby. You can even pass them, but you do not.
    You will also ride in my blind spot for miles. I know you are there because I pay attention when I drive. Just remember there are other idiots just like you on the road. You are just lucky if you haven’t been hit yet.
    This could only be because you do not know how fast you are going and must rely on someone else’s speedometer. (No. That is not a broken clock on the dash. It tells you how fast you are going in miles per hour. It was placed there so can see your speed. Match the number indicated with the speed limit signs.
    This is doubly frustrating to those using cruise control. We can very clearly see how you suck at keeping an even speed.

  • You think tailgating makes traffic go faster.
    It is impossible for the driver in front of you to go any faster than the driver in front of them. As a rule, most smart drivers leave more reaction and stopping distance when they are being tailgated. In effect, you are making the driver slow down. If you are dumb enough to tailgate you are too dumb to realize this. Just stop it.

  • You cut a lane far too late.
    You probably think the exit lane traffic is going way too slow for you and you cannot understand why. So you must drive past the congestion and jump in at the last moment. Part of the reason why traffic is running so slowly is because of morons who think and do the same as you.

  • You do not understand “right-of-way”.
    It seems you not only forgotten the driver’s manual, but you have forgotten English. It is a right granted to proceed ahead of another. When you cross traffic and a car nearly hits you, then you have probably ignored their right of way. (Unless the other driver is as moronic as you) Read the rules. Understand them. Abide by them. The rest of us do it. So should you.

  • You brake before changing lanes.
    You do not need to tap the brakes when checking your blind spot, turning on your signal, looking at a sign, looking in the mirror or anything else except slowing down  or stopping.  

  • You drive in packs.
    I’ve seen you and your fellow jerks driving bumper to bumper, mirror to mirror in a large group with no other cars for hundred of yards in all directions.
    Do you feel it is safer in groups? I will tell you it is definitely not.

  • You use the middle turn lane to merge into traffic.
    When you make a left onto a road with a left turn lane you go to that lane to merge right into traffic. This is illegal. I have lost count of how many times I’ve been nearly hit by a car doing what you do when I try to use the lane legally.

  • You think Yield is optional.
    It is not. It applies to you too. When merging onto the freeway, you must yield to cars that are already on the freeway.

  • You Yield at the worst possible moments.
    If you are on the freeway and there are cars merging, you do not always have to slow for them. If there is room for the them to merge you need not hit your brakes. Yes, it is courteous to allow someone to merge easily. Congratulations, you’ve made one person’s day, but you have irritated the dozen or so cars who’ve had to brake for an buffoon.

  • You do not wear a seatbelt.
    This not only makes you a bad driver, but it also makes you a suicidal idiot. I should not have to explain this. If you are asking why you should be forced to wear a belt, then you are to sell your call and buy a bus pass. They don’t make you use seat belts on buses.

  • Your kid is not buckled in a child safety seat.
    I’ve seen your kid bouncing around on the seat and clearly not fastened in. I cannot count how many times I have wanted to punch your kid in the face just to see how much you really care for your kid’s safety.
    They don’t know any better. You should.

  • You haven’t learned how to use your signal.
    I personally feel that there are times when signalling is not necessary. If there is no one around for miles and you are pulling into your driveway, then you probably do not need to signal. If you approach a T intersection and though there’s no one else to either side, there is no way your signal will make any bit of difference to someone behind you. If a lane opened up to your right, move on over without a signal. It’s no big deal.
    When you are about to clip someone’s bumper you should give them advanced warning. If you are going to make a right and there are other drivers waiting to exit out of that lane make sure you let them know.
    Clicking your turn signal for a half a blink does not constitute a proper signal.

  • You slow down to exit- two miles beforehand.
    The exit lane is also called the de-acceleration lane. It was designed by very smart people to give you ample time to slow down. Provided there is no heavy traffic and it is safe to do so, you can actually do the speed limit up to the point you change to the exit lane.

  • You don’t use the acceleration lane to accelerate
    Those clever boffins that designed the roads also made lanes with enough room to get up to speed to safely enter the highway. If you or your car cannot get up to speed then you both should stay off the roads.

  • You brake at green lights.
    I see this all the time. No cars for miles around, save for me behind you. You are going five miles an hour below the speed limit. The road is level. The light is green. You put on your brakes.
    For the love of all that’s holy, why do you do this? How is this helpful at all? I understand covering the brake or letting off the accelerator momentarily to be cautious in traffic, but not when there is no unfathomable common sense reason to do so.

  • You use your GPS during your daily commute.
    If you are on your way to work or home- on the same route you have done for years (or at least once) and you need your GPS on and in your field of vision then you are too stupid to be driving. Your TomTom impresses no one.

  • You need a GPS.
    You cannot tell North from South? You cannot read the extremely large road signs? You don’t know what “Services - 20 miles” means? Do you not understand the connection between mile markers and exit numbers? (in most states)
    People drove cars thousands and thousands of miles for more than eighty years without GPS. They were smarter than your GPS. I guess you are not.

  • You must retain eye contact with your passenger while driving.
    If you must do this then just halt all conversations. If you are dumb enough to consider doing this then you can wait and talk to each other while at the hospital.
    It is not considered rude, when driving, to speak without eye contact.

  • You watch for motorcycles, but not cars, trucks, bridges, etc.
    I saw you on your bike with a “Watch for Motorcycles” shirt on as you swerved your way in and out of lanes at unsafe speeds doing wheelies. I’ve even seen you merge onto the highway on your Harley-Davidson crossing all the lanes without once looking for traffic. I have seen you riding your scooter in my blind spot. Make us want to look out for your safety.

  • You think being a young girl or elderly man gets you favor.
    You could not be more wrong. You may only weigh 90 pounds, girlfriend, but your Miata literally weighs a ton. It can kill a pedestrian just as easily as Bubba’s 4x4.

  • You travel for miles on end right beside a tractor trailer.
    I could introduce you to a man who lost both his legs when a semi swerved into his lane and drove over his Jeep. He may offer some other suggestions as to why this is a stupid idea.

  • You slow down when passing.
    The vehicle in front of you is going slow. There is sufficient room to your left and it is safe. You signal, change lanes, begin to pass… good so far. Then as you sidle up next to the car you pace it for miles. You should have moved the shoulder, turned off your car, called a tow truck to get you and never drive again.

  • You refuse to let someone in front of you.
    When cars are entering the busy freeway and into your lane is it okay if they want to merge in front of you. If they are doing it safely and courteously you should abide and let them. You needn’t let dozens of cars in, just do a zipper merge. Think about it. Look at a zipper. Don’t make me spell it all out for you.
    If you make them go in behind you then congratulations you will make it to your destination a fraction of a second sooner.

  • You cannot use a manual transmission.
    It’s really neat having a stick shift isn’t it? Though when you have a loud, mechanical fart for exhaust, people can hear how you suck you shift.

  • You drive with an EconoSpare.
    These mini spare tires are designed to let you limp down the highway at minimal speed to get you to the next service station. It’s just as dumb as driving without a seatbelt when you pass me doing over eighty miles and hour on the highway and I can see you have an EconoSpare. Just buy a real tire, you fool!

  • You are trying to kill yourself.
    I would like to think you are not in fact a really stupid person. If you are not, then I can only assume you are suicidal. Sadly, if you kill yourself in a car accident then chances are you will probably kill someone else doing so. Find another way to remove yourself from the gene pool.

  • You cheated on your driver’s exam.
    Driving the way you do would have never gotten you a license. Driver’s guides are free in every state of the Union. Get one. It wouldn’t hurt to refresh your memory.

 

I will freely admit I have made mistakes before. I had once jumped a lane to avoid missing an exit (only after I determined it to be safe). I’ve cut someone off yet I wanted to follow the driver to his destination to apologize. I feel nearly all accidents can be avoided but I’ve had my share of fender benders. I even tried texting and driving once and it scared the crap out of me. Yet as often as I see these acts of sheer stupidity and discourteous behavior I find it highly improbable that they are all simple, honest mistakes.

 

There have been several occurrences when I have found myself thinking: “There is no way someone can be that stupid on accident.”

 

Here are some more helpful bits of advice:

 

  • Slow does not necessarily mean safe
    Ask anyone who has ever been run over by a car if they would have rather had it done slowly.

  • Not all emergency maneuvers require slamming on the brakes.
    For example, if you have nearly crossed a road and a vehicle is barreling out of control toward you… stopping would be stupid.

  • Driving slowly in the fast lane is not as safe as you think.
    People just as dumb as you will pass on your left and right only to try and merge back together ahead of you. Do you want to have two idiots competing for the lane just in front of you? Move over. Let them pass.

Other tidbits of stupid:

 

  • When you ask me, “You got an exhaust?”
    I know what you mean, but that doesn’t change the fact that you sound like a stroke victim. I will see how far your stupidity can reach.
    I once replied, “Yes. I do.”
    “What kind?” the idiot asked.
    My reply: “It starts at the engine and goes all the way to the back of the car.”
    I continued, “It was specifically and scientifically engineered to work on my car. Lots of engineers toiled away at creating a header, catalytic converter, muffler and all the bends and bobs to work exclusively on the 2001 Ford Focus!”
    He began to get excited, “Who makes it?”
    “Ford,” I said.
    Don’t even think of asking me about NOS.

  • I was once hit by an idiot like you. It was on the freeway and she side-swiped my car. I pulled to the shoulder and she parked in the traffic lane to my left. She jumped out of her car and began yelling at me. She kept going on about how I hit her and how her her baby was in the car. She was even more upset when I interrupted her rant to suggest she get her car and her baby out of traffic.
    She did not have insurance. The traffic report showed it was her fault. She received a $200 fine and I got stuck with over two thousand dollars worth of damage.

  • On a Sunday morning at 3:00 a.m. I had to meet someone in the next county. Conveniently, my route had allowed me to stay in the lane to which I entered the freeway. Twice! Two freeways! In other words, when I entered the freeway the lane I was in what would eventually become the exit lane to which I would exit. Oddly enough the car in front of me throughout most of my journey was going the same way.
    This car- both times- instantly changed lanes to the left. The first time he moved one lane. The second time he moved three. He did this for a short distance and moved right again to exit. There were no other cars on the road.

 

 

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Events at a Glance

Contact

For event info submissions, questions, comments or insults contact Steve!

 

steve@arearides.com

314-329-1270